Even how much I want to be angry on her, I cannot. Because I know behind her anger are tired and frustrated spirits. She just have a lot in her shoulder. She carries burden nobody dares to share. She takes responsibilities in which can be paid over to somebody else. She chooses the battle she can loose. She’s tired and I know I have to give her the right to nag about it. I just wish I have the control to remove any form of sadness she caused me. Even I wanted to condemn her about making me feel bad before going to work, for not being mindful of what I feel, for not being conscious of the support I needed for my job, I cannot. Because she will demand the same from me and I am more guilty of not being able to help her. I am a daughter who support not big enough to my mother. I am only a daughter who can remain silent and absorb everything and prays for her mother from all the issues she’s ranting about. She’s tired and I need to understand.
There are times when silence doesn’t help. When you shouldn’t stay quiet over some issue. Instead, you speak up. You shout out what you are feeling inside. Because the other person is waiting. Waiting impatiently, hurting for your response. For you to clarify things, for you to argue over your intentions so we can at least understand. So we can at least know that we are not fighting this battle alone. I hope you be a man and not be a coward. Because the other person is thinking unhealthily over the issue, making her feel worse about herself. I hope you speak up this time like you always used to. Be a man, I beg you.
“Why don’t you just apologize?”
“I don’t know. Maybe there’s a part of me telling sorry isn’t enough. We’ll just get to the same cycle again each time I fail to give him time.”
“So what do you plan to do?”
“I don’t know either. I’m thinking the only way out is acceptance. He needs to accept my tendencies. Unless he accepts that, we’ll always end up ruined.”
“What if he’s thinking that the only way out is for you to change your tendencies of being so badly focus and ignorant? One needs to adjust.”
“Can there be no other way out?”
“There is. And you both know that.”
“We discommit. Isn’t love enough?”
“Love includes giving time.”
“Doesn’t it include acceptance?”
“How will it grow if you won’t make time and will always be accepted?”
“Won’t it grow if not founded with acceptance?”
“We both know that growth founded on giving time and acceptance is better.”
You know what’s tiring? It’s learning that a lot of problems exist to people around you but you can’t have any solution at hand. It’s learning that as we grow old, life becomes more complicated than you expected it to be. That goals aren’t just goals, desires aren’t just desires. They are struggles too. They are complications too. And sometimes it changes you. It affects your relationships and your values for better or for worse. But what if your desires burden you rather than inspire, will it still be worthwhile? What if your desires complicate everything instead of simplify, is it worth pursuing? I didn’t see this coming. That desires can burden people rather than inspire.
You were praying for your turning point
But isn’t it your decision a long time ago
That will create the change you’re craving
You were asking for your turning point
But isn’t it the preaching you heard recently
That changes the rhythm of your mind and mellow of your heart
You were waiting for your turning point
But isn’t it the struggle you last faced
That will humble you from your wicked ways
You were crying for your turning point
But hasn’t it been long given the moment you ask God to fill you through
And it turned your emptiness into a Spirit- filled heart.
Here I am again feeling this kind of creative craving. I can sense deep inside me are words forming phrases forming meanings. But all I can do is feel them and not give them life. All I can do is acknowledge they’re here in me, rumbling inside my mind but were never too clear to be recognized nor too bold to come out of me. All I can do is describe how they run back and forth from my brain down to my heart. They were’nt butterflies in my stomach. They seem like half burden, half motivation. They’re vague and heavy. Weren’t clear as sky nor as beautiful as sunset. More like rain of a gloomy weather and bokeh shots of lights on camera’s manual setting. They aren’t really clear. I hope they can be seen in its real form. I hope they can be read. I hope they can move forward outside me. I hope they can reach destinations where they should really be.
11:07am I think the reason why we don’t grow is not having a goal. An intended to accomplish goal. Not the typical space filler on your planner and for the sake of answering somebody’s question what is your goal. It’s having a bigger goal. It’s breaking barriers to accomplish one cause. It’s being focused that the only thing you want right now is to achieve your goal, to meet what you once envisioned.
I think the reason why I don’t grow because I do not dedicate my life to meet goals (generally speaking). I dedicate my life into random things I wanted to do, into random scanning of newsfeed, pinning images, reblogging posts, following trending pages, beating work deadlines, living up routines, pleasing people and satisfying myself. I think it’s time to change. Because greater cause is waiting for me to respond, greater vision is waiting for me to hold on and break through ideals and fulfill dreams. I think it’s time to change for a greater cause.