It was supposed to be my rest day. A day off from work. I planned about a morning of oversleep and waking up stress-free. No alarm. No duty. However, I was awaken by a call from work. Looking for something I’m not in control of. Stress continues to ring in and I answer and answer it again. Until I realize to stop and take a step back.
Lying in my bed, thinking in what part did I not get it right, how come I missed that, and God, when can I ever be back to my normal life. My room is still lights off. Only a few of sun rays passes through my window. The noise of my electric fan fills the air along with the sound of all moving vehicles outside home. I am now wide awake here, contemplating the silence of my home along with the rumors of my mind about how it wanted to quit my job and pursue something else.
This has been my chaos for some weeks now. Every single morning, temptation creeps in. Every ride I took heading to work, pulls a trigger of my ideals of which route do I want to take next. A different venture flashes on my screen of imagination. A job with no early morning phone calls and late night prompts. No more post reporting to a boss and tiring endless to-do lists. A job in the position of influence and has the free-will to work on normal hustle hours.
I decided to take a break from lying in bed and talk to God about all of this—the rumor and chaos all rumbling inside.
‘Lord, I’ve always been honest with you on what I feel. It’s this kind of time I need your right perspective and wisdom on how should I manage my ideals and desires. Please, please help me overcome the challenge December brings in. Please tell me until when should I stay, how should I stay and why should I stay.’
Perhaps, moments like this requires me to stay on God’s presence; for better decisions, away from any immature actions. Moments like this also make me think I might go back to sleep and try to re-start my day besides it’s my day off.
So this is where sadness creeps in. Days are counting and you’re about to leave. With no certainty on when are we gonna meet again.
My heart stops each time I think of the days you’ll no longer be by my side. This is my first time to love as serious as I didn’t expect it to. And the thought of not seeing you close enough to touch you, to feel you gives my heart total sadness in which my eyes can’t hold the tears to run through. You are my first serious love. Even it hurts that nobody can tell when we’ll see each other again, as you believe I can, I will. I will wait for you inspite of all the unknowns passing through. I will believe on what God had prepared on the future with you. I will wait for you because I love you.
In a world of busyness and material things, there You are trying to make Yourself heard from the voice on the radio, post on instagram, shirt of a co-passenger. You remind me about pursuing the reward from You rather than temporary achievements of the world. You remind me to have a platform in my life where You can perform great things instead of me performing on my own made stage. You remind me of the joy of having fellow Christians by my side wearing the same shirt of faith and hope and struggles too instead of taking the journey alone. There You are again, speaking, reaching out to remind me that what matters most is a life deeply committed to You than a life committed to self. I love You Lord.
I can still remember when I first joined #daretoshareigchallenge of Arriane Serafico. I was excited and motivated after seeing the guidelines and lessons and the creative community it built. Which leads me next to join the #PDBChallenge (a course about Purpose Driven Branding) —making me more intentional on my posts. However, I got lost in the middle of the course because I can’t seem to finalize what my purpose driven brand should be. Caught in the middle of comparison to other creatives and busyness of my day job, I didn’t finish the self-study course I bought for myself.
I still continue applying on my instagram blog what I learned from the past 2 challenges I joined. Also, checking the posts of the creatives I met becomes a habit. Until I found more writers on my instagram feed— the self published writers. I came across with this writing workshop invite— ‘Indie Publishing Writing the Write Way’ which promised to give a run through of the entire process of self-publishing a book. It captured my interest and since it landed on my rest day schedule, I decided to join the workshop. It was the start of my ‘2nd chance with my 1st love’.
The workshop helped me clear my passion and goals. It was like an old time song that triggered soulful memories, a passionate speech that makes your focus shift afterwards, a book series which keeps you excited for the next sequel.
It was the time I decided to put back my focus to writing and change my lens with paper and pen (and phone note app).
The workshop ends but my journey just begin. The 8letters team promised to send us follow up emails guiding us with our novel project. We also have this online group where we shared our progress and struggles together.
Since that day, I’ve written again story for my novel project. I am currently writing it (typing it down on my phone while on my way to work and heading back home and during rest days too). To finish this novel and blog about my collection of stories are my goals.
Today, Nov 1, is not a so feeling good day for me, but I’m publishing this one to my blog to set that today is my day 1 in blogging about the story-teller within.
There is this uneasiness in you when you allow other people to read your thoughts but there is also this discontentment when you remain silent in a world where everybody shares what’s on their mind. Maybe you fear being judged because you know you can’t please everybody but I think you feel envious too of people who speaks loud of what they’ve been through and you just love them for being so honestly creative on what they think of. Now you are torn because you yourself was impressed to those people you think should be criticized for opening themselves up to a world where half are humane, half doesn’t just care.
To my surprise, I found me longing for more, wanting of God more. I miss to be in God’s presence. I miss meditating His word and seeking how it will apply to my life. At the same time, I see myself holding back and seemingly facing an invisible wall that I can’t fully jump into worship. The guilt wall. I see a mural of my sins and compromises. While the air of worship is breezing grace, I was in a battle. But I know its my spirit worshiping in me. I sang in tongues and spoke in language I don’t understand. What I believe is my spirit speaking in behalf of my need. My need of redemption, resurrection. Grace was there, ready to break the invisible mural. It was calling me to believe again. It was telling me that grace abounds when I sin. I just need to believe.
Even how much I want to be angry on her, I cannot. Because I know behind her anger are tired and frustrated spirits. She just have a lot in her shoulder. She carries burden nobody dares to share. She takes responsibilities in which can be paid over to somebody else. She chooses the battle she can loose. She’s tired and I know I have to give her the right to nag about it. I just wish I have the control to remove any form of sadness she caused me. Even I wanted to condemn her about making me feel bad before going to work, for not being mindful of what I feel, for not being conscious of the support I needed for my job, I cannot. Because she will demand the same from me and I am more guilty of not being able to help her. I am a daughter who support not big enough to my mother. I am only a daughter who can remain silent and absorb everything and prays for her mother from all the issues she’s ranting about. She’s tired and I need to understand.