You know what’s tiring? It’s learning that a lot of problems exist to people around you but you can’t have any solution at hand. It’s learning that as we grow old, life becomes more complicated than you expected it to be. That goals aren’t just goals, desires aren’t just desires. They are struggles too. They are complications too. And sometimes it changes you. It affects your relationships and your values for better or for worse. But what if your desires burden you rather than inspire, will it still be worthwhile? What if your desires complicate everything instead of simplify, is it worth pursuing? I didn’t see this coming. That desires can burden people rather than inspire.
You were praying for your turning point
But isn’t it your decision a long time ago
That will create the change you’re craving
You were asking for your turning point
But isn’t it the preaching you heard recently
That changes the rhythm of your mind and mellow of your heart
You were waiting for your turning point
But isn’t it the struggle you last faced
That will humble you from your wicked ways
You were crying for your turning point
But hasn’t it been long given the moment you ask God to fill you through
And it turned your emptiness into a Spirit- filled heart.
Here I am again feeling this kind of creative craving. I can sense deep inside me are words forming phrases forming meanings. But all I can do is feel them and not give them life. All I can do is acknowledge they’re here in me, rumbling inside my mind but were never too clear to be recognized nor too bold to come out of me. All I can do is describe how they run back and forth from my brain down to my heart. They were’nt butterflies in my stomach. They seem like half burden, half motivation. They’re vague and heavy. Weren’t clear as sky nor as beautiful as sunset. More like rain of a gloomy weather and bokeh shots of lights on camera’s manual setting. They aren’t really clear. I hope they can be seen in its real form. I hope they can be read. I hope they can move forward outside me. I hope they can reach destinations where they should really be.
11:07am I think the reason why we don’t grow is not having a goal. An intended to accomplish goal. Not the typical space filler on your planner and for the sake of answering somebody’s question what is your goal. It’s having a bigger goal. It’s breaking barriers to accomplish one cause. It’s being focused that the only thing you want right now is to achieve your goal, to meet what you once envisioned.
I think the reason why I don’t grow because I do not dedicate my life to meet goals (generally speaking). I dedicate my life into random things I wanted to do, into random scanning of newsfeed, pinning images, reblogging posts, following trending pages, beating work deadlines, living up routines, pleasing people and satisfying myself. I think it’s time to change. Because greater cause is waiting for me to respond, greater vision is waiting for me to hold on and break through ideals and fulfill dreams. I think it’s time to change for a greater cause.
So here you go. Having read some posts on the newsfeed of people who are creating their mark in the world. While you, scanning everything laid on your mobile, trying to put words on what you feel. Of course you have your say on issues but you keep your words on your own, living a life of quietness and posting bits of artsy shot or built lines in the span of your online silence. But you always feel like you have to create your mark too. Maybe not in the whole scale of the world, but at least a number of other’s personal world.
Why do you always have that feeling of wanting to create and show it to people and have them appreciate it? Why do you always have that sense to make your own spark too? Let the people know you’re more than ordinary. Why? I always wonder why.
With my inconsistent enthusiasm on a lot of things in line on my interest, how can I manage to do so, to create a spark just like some of them? How can I manage to dismiss this feeling when sometimes I feel it’s a call. How can I manage to be more than the already me? How can I be good in making my own spark just like the others? How?
“Parang kagabi lang napaka-free spirited mo. Tapos ngayon napaka-uninspired mo.”
“Baka ganito lang talaga kapag kulang sa tulog. Naalala ko bigla yung mga dati kong sulat dito sa app. Nakakapanghinayang pala na mawala mo ang mga minsang laman ng isipan.”
“Bakit kasi hind ka marunong mag-back up?”
“Mejo kinakabahan din ako para mamaya. Kasama si pastora sa meeting. Dalawang prayer kasi ang di ako naka-attend.”
“Sana ma-inspire ka na ulet.”
“Bakit ako lang? Gusto ko ngang magstreet photog ulit eh.”
“Kasi kapag inspired ka, nadadamay na din ako. O tara samahan kita sa kalye.”
“Pero ayoko pa kasi ang gusto ko magkaron muna nung Fujifilm x-A2.”
“Alam mo yung may pangarap ka pero wala ka namang pera.”
Sometimes you don’t have to pressure yourself with the traffic nor even irritate your eyes with the crowd of cars and buses and jeepneys. Enjoy the night lights while waiting. Sing along with the music playing on the bus you’re riding or turn on your favorite playlist. Watch people walking or people waiting along the road or the people sleeping on the other bus. Savor the cool architectures of the fast food chains and restaurants. Pick the car you desire among the stucked vehicles on the road. Think about your day on how it has been. Think about your dream. Imagine your life in a movie. Allow your mind to wonder even you’re stucked up coz life is good even in the midst of traffic.