There is this uneasiness in you when you allow other people to read your thoughts but there is also this discontentment when you remain silent in a world where everybody shares what’s on their mind. Maybe you fear being judged because you know you can’t please everybody but I think you feel envious too of people who speaks loud of what they’ve been through and you just love them for being so honestly creative on what they think of. Now you are torn because you yourself was impressed to those people you think should be criticized for opening themselves up to a world where half are humane, half doesn’t just care.
To my surprise, I found me longing for more, wanting of God more. I miss to be in God’s presence. I miss meditating His word and seeking how it will apply to my life. At the same time, I see myself holding back and seemingly facing an invisible wall that I can’t fully jump into worship. The guilt wall. I see a mural of my sins and compromises. While the air of worship is breezing grace, I was in a battle. But I know its my spirit worshiping in me. I sang in tongues and spoke in language I don’t understand. What I believe is my spirit speaking in behalf of my need. My need of redemption, resurrection. Grace was there, ready to break the invisible mural. It was calling me to believe again. It was telling me that grace abounds when I sin. I just need to believe.
Even how much I want to be angry on her, I cannot. Because I know behind her anger are tired and frustrated spirits. She just have a lot in her shoulder. She carries burden nobody dares to share. She takes responsibilities in which can be paid over to somebody else. She chooses the battle she can loose. She’s tired and I know I have to give her the right to nag about it. I just wish I have the control to remove any form of sadness she caused me. Even I wanted to condemn her about making me feel bad before going to work, for not being mindful of what I feel, for not being conscious of the support I needed for my job, I cannot. Because she will demand the same from me and I am more guilty of not being able to help her. I am a daughter who support not big enough to my mother. I am only a daughter who can remain silent and absorb everything and prays for her mother from all the issues she’s ranting about. She’s tired and I need to understand.
There are times when silence doesn’t help. When you shouldn’t stay quiet over some issue. Instead, you speak up. You shout out what you are feeling inside. Because the other person is waiting. Waiting impatiently, hurting for your response. For you to clarify things, for you to argue over your intentions so we can at least understand. So we can at least know that we are not fighting this battle alone. I hope you be a man and not be a coward. Because the other person is thinking unhealthily over the issue, making her feel worse about herself. I hope you speak up this time like you always used to. Be a man, I beg you.
“Why don’t you just apologize?”
“I don’t know. Maybe there’s a part of me telling sorry isn’t enough. We’ll just get to the same cycle again each time I fail to give him time.”
“So what do you plan to do?”
“I don’t know either. I’m thinking the only way out is acceptance. He needs to accept my tendencies. Unless he accepts that, we’ll always end up ruined.”
“What if he’s thinking that the only way out is for you to change your tendencies of being so badly focus and ignorant? One needs to adjust.”
“Can there be no other way out?”
“There is. And you both know that.”
“We discommit. Isn’t love enough?”
“Love includes giving time.”
“Doesn’t it include acceptance?”
“How will it grow if you won’t make time and will always be accepted?”
“Won’t it grow if not founded with acceptance?”
“We both know that growth founded on giving time and acceptance is better.”
You know what’s tiring? It’s learning that a lot of problems exist to people around you but you can’t have any solution at hand. It’s learning that as we grow old, life becomes more complicated than you expected it to be. That goals aren’t just goals, desires aren’t just desires. They are struggles too. They are complications too. And sometimes it changes you. It affects your relationships and your values for better or for worse. But what if your desires burden you rather than inspire, will it still be worthwhile? What if your desires complicate everything instead of simplify, is it worth pursuing? I didn’t see this coming. That desires can burden people rather than inspire.
You were praying for your turning point
But isn’t it your decision a long time ago
That will create the change you’re craving
You were asking for your turning point
But isn’t it the preaching you heard recently
That changes the rhythm of your mind and mellow of your heart
You were waiting for your turning point
But isn’t it the struggle you last faced
That will humble you from your wicked ways
You were crying for your turning point
But hasn’t it been long given the moment you ask God to fill you through
And it turned your emptiness into a Spirit- filled heart.